Things Did Not Go As Planned: Coping with Birth Trauma

Things did not go as planned.

My experience with childbirth did not meet my expectations. 

I didn’t get the experience of packing a “go bag.” My wife never went into labor. We didn’t get the drive across town to the hospital in nervous anticipation of what was about to happen. I missed out on coaching my wife through labor. I didn’t get to hold her hand while she pushed. I was unable to cut the umbilical cord. We didn’t get our “golden hour” where I could bask in the joy of seeing my son snuggling on my wife’s chest as we all enjoyed our first moments as a family.

Instead we rushed to the hospital while we were our of town. We were transferred by ambulance to a different hospital. We were told that we would not be leaving that hospital without a baby. This hospital was not the hospital we planned to have our baby at. The plan became to try and wait a couple more weeks then deliver the baby. Plans changed again the next day. We were told we would be delivering the baby in the next couple hours. 32 weeks and 4 days. 5 hours from home. Not in our hospital. Not a natural birth. And then a NICU stay.

Things did not go as planned.

And so with all of this, I find myself struggling. 

Birth trauma is real. It is real for both parents. Much of the focus (and rightly so) is on the mom’s experience. But these experiences have a strong impact on dads as well.

I’m sad. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m jealous. I’m confused. I’m disappointed. 

But…

I’m joyful. I’m thankful. I’m relieved. I’m proud. I’m excited. I’m awestruck.

And then there is that small voice in mat head saying:

“Just be thankful it turned out fine.”

“Things could have gone differently.”

“Other people have had worse outcomes.”

These things are true.

But so are my feelings. 

One does not negate the other. 

When we go through traumatic births, regardless of outcome, we are allowed to hold numerous, conflicting emotions at the same time. 

We are told what having a baby is supposed to be like. During pregnancy we fantasize about what that day will be like. How much joy we will experience in that moment. What it will be like to hold out little one for the first time. The immense feeling of pride while we stare at our partner holding the baby after she courageously fought through many hours of labor.

But what you don’t plan for it the fear, the confusion, the sadness. Instead of getting your golden hour, your are separated from your baby while he is rushed to the NICU. Your dreams are crushed. 

Things did not go as planned. 

I am not writing at this time to help or give advice on how to process through birth trauma or mourning a birth that did not go as planned. I am not at this point qualified to do such a thing. I am still processing myself. 

I am writing this in hopes of encouraging other dads who may be going through something similar. I want you to know that I see you. And I get it. These feelings are valid. These feelings are normal. You are a human who is experiencing human emotions. I want to encourage you to join me in feeling these emotions. To sit with these feelings. Let’s not do the typical “male thing” and ignore our feelings. I encourage you to discuss your feelings. Our families need us and need the best versions of us.